Proposed Changes to the English Language, From Sophie

Dear English,

To increase efficiency and accuracy in my daily life with my clueless Mama, I hereby suggest the following changes:

1) Addition of the phrase “Too Lot”: This would be a combination of the phrases “a lot” and “too much”. For example, when my Mama puts not just a lot, but waaay too much water in my toothbrush cup and it spills onto my sleeve, I would say “There’s too lot, Mama.” This expression would truly convey to her the grievous error in her ways.

2) Combining the words “Parsley” and “Leaves” to “Parsleaves”: I see that it is not yet a word, as it has a red squiggly underneath. But there was one time where I wanted to touch the parsley leaves at the supermarket but Mama pushed the cart (and me in it) away, saying we were in a hurry. We? I wasn’t in a hurry. Anyways, combining the phrase into one word would save time, increasing my chances of pawing everything I want to in every grocery aisle, making a mess and causing everything to fall down on the floor and then staring blankly at it as Mama rushes to clean it up. So I hope that the red squiggly underneath this word will disappear soon.

3) Changing “Turquoise” to “Dark Light Blue”: My wardrobe consists of many colors of the same pair of pants, which I find oppressive enough already. So Mama buys these pants in dark blue, light blue, and this color in between called turquoise. I find the latter word to be completely exasperating and I refuse to say it. I feel that “Dark Light Blue” is more accurate. Even though making one word into three words may seem to take longer (unlike proposed changes 1 and 2), I feel the sacrifice in time is worth it to achieve further accuracy. Therefore, when I say I want to wear blue pants, and Mama asks which blue pants, I can tell her “Dark Light Blue” instead of folding my arms and grumping around in complete irritation thus ruining my whole day.

I am sure I will have more changes to follow. In the meantime, please implement these as soon as possible, as I feel that these changes will benefit all that speak you.

You’re Welcome,

Sophie